Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
