Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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