Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
