just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
