I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
