God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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