I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
