Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
