My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
