I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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