kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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