3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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