Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
