You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
