i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
