i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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