just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
