I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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