my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
