My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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