Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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