did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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