k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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