I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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