hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
