I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
FUCK WHALES
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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