My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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