So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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