just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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