I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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