Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
