and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Randomize