my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
