I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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