By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
