I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
