Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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