fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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