i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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