Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
