I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
