So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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