Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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