I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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