toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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