so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
