I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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