Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
