Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
