My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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