Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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