Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
