I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
