piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
