if you like me you must not know who I am
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
