I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
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