I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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